To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: January 1995
BUHWAHAHAHA!!! <---- maniacal laugh
We're making excellent progress toward our goal of becoming the New Ruling Class when Dogbert conquers the world and makes everybody else our servants. The DNRC has over 14,000 members already.
When we get about 50,000 members we can start bullying politicians into passing laws that benefit us at the cost of others.
For example, I support a law that would tax readers of Family Circus and give the money to DNRC members.
I think we could argue that it stimulates the economy since we would be inclined to go out and blow any extra money we got, whereas Family Circus readers would just squirrel it away in a mattress in the attic until rats ate it.
In a recent series, Dilbert was being tempted to the "dark side" to become a manager instead of an engineer. A devilish character appeared behind Dilbert's couch holding an object that readers couldn't identify. I was bombarded with mail from people asking what the object was.
It was a big spoon. Here's the... uh... scoop.
The character isn't Satan; he's "Phil from Heck" -- a character that appears occasionally to handle the situations that aren't serious enough for Hell.
Phil was created the first year of the strip. Originally he was conceived as Satan, but my editor thought that might cause problems with readers. So instead of the Lord of Darkness I ended up rewriting the character to be Phil from Heck, the Prince of Insufficient Light. It seemed right that he should have a big spoon instead of a scary pitchfork.
Now if you haven't tried to draw a giant spoon lately, let me tell you it's pretty hard, especially for me, since many of my characters already look like giant utensils.
The Dilbert Screen Saver from Delrina has been nominated for a Software Publisher's Award in the Business Utilities category.
We're up against a bunch of relatively useless products that do things like restoring lost files. (Bo-o-o-ring!!) Actually, I don't know what most of the other products do but I hate them just the same.
If your company is a member of the Software Publishers Association (SPA) you have a vote. Please hunt down the person at your company who votes and promise them a guest pass to the DNRC (good through July) if they will vote for the Dilbert Screen Saver.
Or, if it's not too much to ask, you could stage a hunger strike. (I'd do it for you.)
Catbert will return for a guest appearance as the Human Resources director at Dilbert's company. He's perfect for the job -- he looks harmless and cute and he doesn't care if you live or die.
In my last newsletter I asked people to vote for their top three annoying business practices. Nearly 1,500 people voted.
The results will surprise nobody in the DNRC: the winning irritant was "Idiots promoted to management" followed closely by "Being forced to work with idiots".
Votes
-----
- Idiots promoted to management 924
- Being forced to work with idiots 638
- Empowerment 428
- Micromanagement 390
- Status Reporting 353
- Performance Reviews 330
- Reengineering 285
- Quality 270
- Overtime without pay 262
- Lack of training 142
- Ordering Supplies 112
- Hoteling 60
Total votes 4,194
The Associated Press picked up the story and it got reprinted in major newspapers all over the country. CNN reported it several times on Prime Time News.
Dozens of reporters and radio shows called me to ask for my opinion on how to deal with the idiot infestation problem. I fed them a bunch of crap about the importance of training. But I'll tell you my real opinion:
I think the only solution to the idiot problem is to have specially trained German Shepherd dogs who identify idiots and separate them from the rest of the people in meetings.
For example, when the idiot comes to the meeting 15 minutes late and insists on revisiting the first agenda item the dog will burst into the room and sink its teeth into the idiot's donut-fattened thigh and drag him into the hallway. This may seem cruel, but the dogs will get used to it.
But suppose you have no budget for trained dogs. What then? The answer is to assign all of the idiots to a new project that requires lots of meetings and has no vital business purpose.
You could call it something like "The Quality Competitiveness Task Force" to conceal your treachery. Wait nine months (a respectable time) then eliminate the project and its staff without having to address the question of their individual shortcomings.
In this section, Dogbert answers frequently asked questions which I am too polite to answer myself.
******************
Dear Mister Adams:
I sent a suggestion that you should do a comic on the subject of "work". If you use my idea, can you send me the original art?
Timmy
Dear Timmy,
Unlike some lazy cartoonists who draw one original cartoon per day and then reproduce it, Mister Adams draws an original cartoon directly onto every single copy of every newspaper. You can simply clip your original Dilbert art out of the newspaper.
Dogbert
******************
Dear Mister Adams:
I'm an accountant who likes to draw cartoons. I've developed a cartoon called "Larry the Dust Mite". My friends think it's funny. Could you drop whatever you're doing and answer all of my questions about cartooning so that I can become a syndicated cartoonist and bump you out of newspapers? I'd really appreciate it. Oh, by the way, I love your comic strip Gilbert.
Floyd
Dear Gloyd:
It makes good sense to abandon accounting and try to become a syndicated cartoonist, despite what you've heard about the odds being 10,000 to 1 against you.
The trick is to get yourself "discovered" by an editor from an important cartoon syndicate. To do this, you must set yourself apart from the thousands of would-be cartoonists who simply mail photocopies of their work to syndicate editors. You must do something different, something memorable.
I recommend plastic surgery to make yourself look like a Klingon from Star Trek. (Makeup won't fool anybody. You need the surgery.) Then travel to the headquarters of a major comic syndicate, dress yourself in putrid street-person clothes, douse yourself with gin and lay on the sidewalk just outside their lobby. When anybody walks by who could be an editor, leap up and yell "SPARE CHANGE?!!"
Then you'll all have a good laugh, talking about the Klingon surgery and how you talked the street-person out of his clothes and all that. Your sense of humor will be evident. You will form a lifelong bond with the editor and you will be on your way to fame and fortune.
Dogbert
(P.S. Try King Features first)
(P.P.S. Lazy persons can try subscribing to Cartoonist Profiles at P.O. Box 325, Fairfield, CT 06430 at $25 per year. It has good tips for beginning cartoonists.)
******************
Dear Mister Adams:
My friend Raquel wrote an e-mail to you and got a personal response. But when I wrote I got what appears to be an impersonal form letter. What's the story?
Bernadette
Dear Writer,
Thank you for your letter. Your comments are always appreciated. Have a nice day.
Dogbert
Many people reported problems getting on the Dilbert mailing list. Some couldn't sign up automatically. Others didn't receive Newsletter V3.0 and wondered if they had been excommunicated.
The lesson: Being on the Dilbert list is neither a right nor a privilege; apparently it's luck. I don't know what the heck is going on. I referred the problems to my customer service organization but they just continued to lay in sun spots on my rug and lick their fur.
Two Dilbert readers have been elevated to sainthood in the DNRC for service above and beyond the call of nature.
John McDonald earns the title of "Saint John of Cod" for pestering the Cape Cod Times to reinstate Dilbert after inexplicably dropping it. Many others also complained, but they didn't write to tell me about it.
David Hershberger earns the title of "Saint David of Grass Valley" for organizing a grass roots signature campaign to successfully get Dilbert into the Grass Valley Times (it was front page news in Grass Valley -- and David was interviewed by the New York Times about it.)
Sainthood in the DNRC comes with some special privileges:
1. The right to wear a really big hat
2. The right to relieve yourself in the parking lot of any mall
3. The right to call any non-Saint "Big Guy", as in "How's it goin' Big Guy?"
I got thousands of requests for titles in the DNRC. All have been accepted and sealed in my vault. The most commonly requested title was "Minister of Redundancy Minister" (about 200 people requested some variant of that -- no kidding). But you can't have too many of those, so you're all in.
Dilbert book number five is due later this spring (April or May I think):
"Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" -- a compilation covering 10/5/90 through 5/18/91. From Andrews & McMeel.
Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you who took the time.)
Remember, the best suggestions are theme ideas, not dialog or "gags". I'll do the humor part. I'm most inspired by true stories of idiotic management and clueless business practices.
Send them to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at scottadams@aol.com. Thanks!
***************** General Dilbert Facts *******************
The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in 400 papers in 10 countries. The author (that would be me) receives up to 100 e-mail messages per day.
Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company (unless your company is Pacific Bell, where I work in the ISDN lab).
I read all of my e-mail personally. But obviously I've automated many responses. If you get a canned response it just means my fingers are tired.
I love you, really.
The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use 01-212-692-3700). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to use the strip or the characters.
"Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (new material about working at a big company), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8) "Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the first year), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1758-6) "Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's new material on the subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3) "Shave the Whales" -- a compilation of the second year of Dilbert, Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3) "Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" -- a compilation covering 10/5/90 through 5/18/91. Due spring of 1995, date to be determined. Check with any bookstore. If that fails, call the publisher directly at 800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International callers use 01-816-932-6700)
Cohen/Gebler Associates has created a set of short animated Dilbert business videos for meetings, workshops and presentations. The videos are based closely on themes from the strip. They're used primarily as ice breakers.
Six titles are currently available:
- Dilbert on Quality
- Dilbert on Managing Change
- Dilbert Does Sales
- Dilbert Does Meetings
- Just the Breaks #1 (Mingling Groups)
- Just the Breaks #2 (110%).
Prices start at $99.
Call 1-800-208-3535 for more information. (International callers use 01-617-262-4242)
- Signals Catalog at 800-663-9994
(International callers dial 01-612-659-4312)
Mug: St. Dogbert drives out demons of stupidity
T-Shirt: St. Dogbert drives out demons of stupidity
Sweat Shirt: St. Dogbert drives out demons of stupidity
The Dilbert Screen Saver (Windows or Mac) is available at major retail stores and mail order. If you have any questions or want to order direct from Delrina, feel free to call them at 1-800-315-5848 (international callers use 1-416-441-3676).
- America Online (older daily strips) (Keyword: Dilbert)
- ClariNet: ClariNews service. 1-800-USE-NETS or info@clarinet.com for subscription info. Daily current strips.
- World Wide Web:
http://nearnet.gnn.com/gnn/news/comix/dilbert.html
(may not be updated regularly)
Note: None of the Sunday Dilberts are online anywhere yet.
It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the cost of your own e-mail.
I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my personal one. Don't "reply" to the newsletter address please.
The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel like it", which should be about three or four times a year.
You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail to the address listproc@internex.net with ONLY this message in the body of your e-mail:
subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow
(except put your real name instead of Joe Blow).
Don't put anything in the subject line. And your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not specify it.
If the automatic method doesn't work for you, send me a note at scottadams@aol.com and I'll put you on manually.
If you want to take your name off the list automatically, send an e-mail to listproc@internex.net but include only these words in the body of the message:
unsubscribe Dilbert_List
Don't put anything in the subject line.
Send email to listproc@internex.net with this message in the body (and nothing in the subject line):
get dilbert_list newsletter_1.0
If you tried unsuccessfully to subscribe to the newsletter just send e-mail to me and I'll sign you up manually. My personal address is still scottadams@aol.com
If you got a strange message saying you can't change your password, ignore it. The password isn't useful in this application.
Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of good netiquette.
Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com